First of all, let me just say I’m fine. (that’s mainly for you, mom… you don’t have to worry.) :)
Maybe it’s turning 29 and doing a lot of introspection on the last year of my twenties, or maybe it’s just that time in my life that I’m finally trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be, but I’ve just been doing a lot of processing and maybe that’s why I haven’t been writing too much on JennaB4 [and after] lately, since my thoughts haven’t seemed to be super concise and I try not to throw too much jumbled stuff on here (I save that for the Jenna Daily, you’re welcome). This post will probably seem super out of character for me. Most people assume I’m a happy-go-lucky, pretty easy going gal, which I’d like to think I am most of the time, but the last couple years have been, well, pretty crappy. I’ve been a sister of a very seriously struggling addict (who, praise the Lord is doing so well) and that’s been so so so hard for me and my family. If you are a loved one of an addict, you understand. If you’re not, well you just can’t understand (nor would I want you to). I’ve also been dealing with my own depression, what that means for my life, how to cope, etc. I was just reading Nic Sheff’s blog (author of Tweak, an amazingly scary and real depiction of his life in addiction) yesterday, I don’t even know how I stumbled up on it actually because he hasn’t updated in a couple years, but there was one entry that hit me and I just wanted to share it with you. It’s a good description of depression and how I’ve kind of been feeling (even moreso the last few days since my prescription ran out and I’ve been anxiously awaiting the Dr.’s refill approval):
Psychiatrists always talk about people’s baselines. When you’re chemically depressed, your baseline is way lower than normal people. It’s like most people float on the surface—sometimes rising into the air and sometimes sinking down into the salt, thick, blinding water. Suffering from chemical depression is having to spend all yer goddamn energy just getting up to the surface. Fighting so hard just to achieve some semblance of normalcy. Getting on the right anti-depressants, for me, has totally helped raise my baseline. It’s not that I’m all high and euphoric—like being on ecstasy or something. I just don’t have to struggle so frantically to keep treading water. I actually enjoy things in my life. I feel excitement, wonder, hope, and temporary satisfaction.
On top of the depression thing, I’ve also figured out that I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP) which has been a huge relief, actually. Learning that I am an HSP has affirmed things about myself that I already knew but finally justified and redeemed them. For example, why I get so bugged at noises and why it was so difficult to share an office with someone and why I have such a hard time when people aren’t observant, etc. It was a revelation for me, and was SO freeing, I can’t even begin to tell you. Now, similar to depression, I just have to keep working on my cognitive behavioral therapy (basically, changing the way I think about things), and – most importantly – praying. As much as I’m trying to rid my vocabulary of the word “should,” I know I really should pray a lot more than I do. God can and will help me figure all this out way better than I ever could.
Romans 12:2 (NLT) says, Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Amen!
